The Best Long Jokes -- Extended Setups for Maximum Laughter

A MAN TAKES HIS SICK CHIHUAHUA TO THE VET. A Labrador retriever comes in, sniffs the dog and leaves. Then a cat enters, stares at it for a while and leaves. The vet returns and hands over a $250 bill.

The man says, “$250? I was here only 20 minutes!”

“That’s right,” says the vet. “$100 for the lab test and $150 for the cat scan.”

Joke by Remy W., Colorado Springs, Colorado
0 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

I WALKED INTO A COSTUME PARTY dressed up as a turtle with my friend on my back. People asked me who it was. I said, “It’s Michelle.”

Joke by Farr H., Bainbridge Island, Washington
0 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

Joke by Aaron W., Groton, New York
3 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

TWO SCOUTS CAMPING in their backyard wanted to know the time, so they started singing at the top of their lungs. Then one of their neighbors threw open his window and yelled, “Cut the noise! Don’t you know it’s 3 o’clock in the morning?”

Joke by Michael B., Varysburg, New York
5 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A bear walks into a restaurant and says, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”
The waiter says, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I don’t know. I was born with them.”

Joke by Nathan G., Chester Springs, Pennsylvania
1 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

Ethan: I have a bed, but I don’t sleep.
I have a bank but no money.
I have a mouth but can’t talk.
What am I?
Alice: No idea.
Ethan: A river!

Joke by Ethan M., North Potomac, Maryland
6 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

Joke by Aaron W., Groton, New York
25 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

Joke by Jeremy C., Downingtown, Pennsylvania
33 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

Joke by David R., Biddeford, Maine
24 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.

“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

Joke by Rita M., Anchorage, Alaska
36 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.
“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”

Joke by Xavier B., Thompson’s Station, Tennessee
7 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A photon walks into a hotel.
The desk clerk says, “Can we help you with your luggage?”
The photon says, “No, thanks. I’m traveling light.”

Joke by Axel P., Tacoma, Washington
5 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”

“Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

Joke by Andrew P., Gaithersburg, Maryland
24 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

Joke by Christopher P., Long Beach, Calif.
47 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

Joke by Daniel H., Caledonia, Michigan
14 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

“Oh, no!” the kangaroo groaned to her friend, the rabbit. “The forecast calls for rain.”

“What’s the problem with that?” asked the rabbit. “We could use some rain.”

“Sure,” the kangaroo said. “But that means my kids will have to play inside all day!”

Joke by Luke D., Muskego, Wis.
15 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

Joke by Michael V., Tallahassee, Fla.
55 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Joke by Aaron K., Williamsport, Md.
25 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.

“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.

The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”

“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is."

“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”

Joke by David T., Bronx, N.Y.
25 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

Joke by Krishna P., Albany, Calif.
20 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.

“I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says.

“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.

“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

Joke by Arnold C., Honolulu, Hawaii
15 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

Joke by Arnold C., Honolulu, Hawaii
35 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Joke by Kyoji M., Cheswick, Pa.
17 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater.

“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager says.

“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man says.

“All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure. …”

After the movie, the manager says to the man, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”

“Yes, I was surprised, too,” says the man. “He hated the book.”

Joke by Milo S., Richland, Wash.
15 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.

“Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked.

“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.

“What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”

Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

Joke by Charlie H., Homer Glen, Ill.
32 comments

5 Stars4 Stars3 Stars2 Stars1 Star