Dog jokes

A dog walks up to the counter in a deli. It has a note and cash in its mouth. The man behind the counter reads the note. It states what kind and amount of meat the dog wants. The clerk puts a sack of cold cuts in the dog’s mouth and takes the money. The dog walks to the door and pushes it open. Curious, the man follows. The dog goes to a bus stop and sits and waits. When a bus comes, the dog looks at the front of the bus, seems to read where it’s going, shakes its head, and sits back down. The next bus comes and the dog gets on. It drops some change in the fare box, then takes a seat. The man follows. Five stops later, the dog gets off. The man follows as it trots up to a house and rams the door with its head once, twice, three times. As it barks, the homeowner comes to the door. “So there you are, you dumb dog!” The deli worker says, “Dumb? That’s got to be the most brilliant dog in the world!” “Brilliant?” the homeowner says. “This is the third time he’s forgotten his keys!”

Joke by Doug P., Evansville, Ind.
65 comments

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Two friends are walking their dogs -- a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua -- when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.” 

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. 

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.” 

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says. 

“A Dalmatian?” 

“Yes, they’re using them now.” 

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.” 

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” 

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy. 

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner. 

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Joke by Wade S., Norfolk, Neb.
83 comments

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.



One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost. Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it.



The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now! But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on them.



Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the leopard halts its attack. With a look of terror, it slinks away into the trees.



“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”



Meanwhile, a monkey that had seen the whole thing decides to put this knowledge to good use, trading it for protection from the leopard.



The monkey goes to tell the leopard it has been duped. The leopard is furious. “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”



Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on its back, and thinks, Uh-oh, what am I going to do now? But instead of running, the dog sits down with its back to its attackers, pretending it hasn’t seen them yet.



As the leopard and monkey get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, “Where’s that monkey? I sent it off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Joke by Carl C., Diamond Bar, Calif.
221 comments

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John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!" 

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

John said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"

Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

Joke by Jonathan P., Chicago, Ill.
198 comments

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